Coaching clients often tell me that they have too much on their plate, or rather things they don’t even want to have on their plate. This stands in the way of having time and energy to do what they really want. This also happened to me recently, and it motivated me to consider its effects.
I was with an old friend and former co-worker I hadn’t seen in several years, and was looking forward to catching up with him over lunch, with little or no distractions. Because I maintained a consistent vegan diet, we met at a nearby restaurant where I was already familiar with some vegan menu options. (Nowadays, I’m not as concerned about small amounts of egg and dairy, but still “mostly plant-based.”)
After we ordered our entrees, and were in the midst of conversation, the waiter suddenly brought out complementary appetizers and salads with dressing already added. I hadn’t expected this. They were vegetarian, but they had significant amounts of egg and dairy, which I didn’t want.
But rather than following my immediate instinct and politely declining, I decided to go ahead and eat them rather than let the food go to waste. I also didn’t want to put my friend in the position of eating in front of me while I was eating nothing – even though it wasn’t my fault that the waiter had served us without inquiring about our dietary preferences and needs.
And then irony walked in and sat down at our table. After I took a bite or two, my friend cut open his egg roll, looked inside, and realized he couldn’t eat it – only for different reasons. He didn’t want to waste his, either. “I don’t do well with corn. Would you like to eat mine, too?”
By acting out of integrity and accepting something I didn’t want in the first place, I didn’t help either of us. If I had simply given the plate back to the waiter, then neither my friend nor I would have been eating in front of the other.
Furthermore, because I was slightly annoyed by the situation, my choice decreased some of the energy and attention that otherwise would have been devoted to our interaction. It pulled me out of the “now” slightly, as acting out of integrity has a sneaky way of doing. That wasn’t doing my friend a favor, either.
I probably missed out on an opportunity to help others as well. Had we both declined the dishes, the waiter may have learned the importance of asking customers about their preferences and needs. His intentions were undoubtedly kind and generous, but they were largely wasted on both of us.
A few days later, I received a request regarding an opportunity that would have taken a significant amount of time out of my schedule. While it interested me, and I have the utmost respect for the person making the request, I knew that there were higher priority items on my agenda – such as coaching. In that case, saying “No” enabled me to maintain the space and energy to pursue activities important to me. The lunch with my friend had served as an important reminder.
Sure, life requires many compromises, and we all have to say “Yes” to some things that we don’t want to. And there are times when we can say “Yes” to be kind to the giver or requester, with little cost to ourselves. For example, graciously accepting the ugly holiday sweater gift that gets boxed away in the attic until the next yard sale.*
But in many cases, a “Yes” to something unwanted has a cost that’s not worth it.
When is the last time you acted out of integrity by saying “Yes” to something you didn’t really want?
How necessary was it to say “Yes”?
What effects did it have? Were you really doing anyone a favor?
How would you like to respond next time, and what benefits will your new approach likely have?
*Note: They’re not always ugly; I’ve received some very nice holiday sweaters.
Photo by Flickr user Jlhopgood, size adjusted. License.
As the other half of the eggroll, this is always a big dilema for me. Do I turn down the food, and then perhaps miss out, on the offchance it has something I don’t like? Do I take the food, find out I don’t like it, and then let it go to waste?
Reading this was very insightful. Really makes me think about it. Even if I did want to take the chance on the eggroll being really good, did I really need extra? The main dish I had ordered sounded (and was) really good. Taking the eggroll seemed almost too much, good or not.
Puts in context what I really need versus what I really want. I’ll definitely be thinking about that next time I order.
Dave,
The way this usually comes up for me is in friendships and other sorts of relationships. I get into an awkward situation, the relationship deteriorates and becomes strained, but I continue to say “yes” because I’m afraid of conflict.
Amusingly, it often happens that the other person is feeling the same way, and if either one of us would face our social anxiety and have that awkward conversation, it would relieve the pressure for both of us.
I’m working on being more authentic in my relationships (of all kinds) and not giving into fear or social anxiety. It’s an ongoing process. (:
Hi Dave,
Seth Godin posted today about standing up for what you believe in, and it reminded me of this post because it’s also about saying no even when it’s difficult. He’s talking about something similar, but he’s talking about it from a marketing angle instead of from a personal integrity and usefulness angle.
Jay and Pace,
Thanks for your thoughtful responses. Jay, you also bring in another interesting consideration – where I was talking about things that we know (or are pretty sure) we don’t want, you also consider the case where we’re faced with something that we haven’t really decided upon yet. How do we explore new things to expand our horizons, while respecting our other values that may include things like minimizing waste?
Pace, I do like the Seth Godin article, and can really relate to that. As for the relationship piece, I’ve also been there a number of times; and I also find it to be an ongoing process. I’ll be excited to hear how the types of people you connect with, as well as your existing relationships, change as you continue to increase authenticity.