I Fell in Love with an Asexual

asexual-sexual couple in bedroom

Are you in a sexless marriage or relationship with a partner who may be asexual?

It’s challenging for both partners, no matter how much you love each other.

Drawing upon firsthand experience, psychology training, and many other sources, I’ve written you the book I wish had been there for me.

“A trail-blazing, comprehensive book that will speak to anyone who wants credible insight into asexuality in all its facets.”

Ian Kerner, PhD, LMFT, sex therapist and NY Times best-selling author of She Comes First

Winner, Sexuality, 6th Annual Beverly Hills Book Awards

BHBA book awards winner medal

Asexuality, the “invisible orientation,” is largely unknown and misunderstood. Around 1% of people may be asexual. They generally do not experience sexual attraction. Most do not desire sex.

Also in the shadows are many sexually motivated partners of asexuals in sexless marriages. Both partners may be unaware of their differences at first.

For both people to be happy, something needs to shift.

I Fell in Love with an Asexual is unique among asexuality books. It is a self-help memoir from the sexual partner’s perspective.

Evan Ocean’s life partner makes a startling revelation: They have never felt physically attracted to Evan—or to anyone else, ever. Blending elements of Evan’s story with his own, Dave Wheitner shares perspective and expertise from training and firsthand experience.

This comprehensive and candid guide cites 120+ sources, including works by asexual authors. It synthesizes and organizes key concepts and insights.

Praise for I Fell in Love with an Asexual

Karla Baur

“The first book to explore the dilemmas of sexually motivated partners who have asexual partners. This part memoir, part self-help book skillfully offers the reader opportunities for self-reflection by asking hard questions in a remarkably supportive manner.

Wheitner thoroughly details the myriad options involved in staying in or leaving the relationship. For those who open the relationship to other partners or those who leave the relationship, he offers heartfelt support in the process of reintegrating one’s sexuality. The integration of his own experiences makes the book especially salient and gives others lots of permission to be human!”

– Karla Baur, MSW, sex therapist and co-author of Our Sexuality, the best-selling college textbook

Lori Brotto

“Outstanding! Elegantly weaves personal exploration with concrete education and scientific data on asexuality. I wish I had this book as a resource to offer several former sexual-asexual couples I have seen in my practice.

While written with the sexual partner in mind, it is a valuable book for asexuals who desire romantic attraction as well, as they are most likely to find themselves in partnerships with sexual individuals. This book has provided some concrete recommendations for future clients.”

Lori A. Brotto, PhD, R Psych, Professor, Division Head, Gynaecologic Specialties, Department of Obstetrics & Gynaecology, University of British Columbia, Director, UBC Sexual Health Laboratory

Carol Grever

“This authoritative exploration of mismatched sexuality . . . offers creative self-help guides for anyone engaged in mixed-orientation intimacy.

Above all, it assures readers that they are not alone in their hidden journey.”

– Carol Grever, author, When Your Spouse Comes Out, and My Husband Is Gay

You’re not alone.

Get Support Addressing These Challenges

The dynamics of a sexless and possibly mixed-orientation marriage are a lot for anyone to manage on their own.

  • Understanding and acceptance of asexuality is still limited. Finding support can be difficult.
  • Some common sex therapy approaches may simply frustrate asexual-sexual couples.
  • It can take time and effort to rule out other possibilities, often confused with asexuality.
  • Fully accepting a partner’s asexuality can take time.
  • The language of asexuality is evolving, which can create confusion.
  • Both partners may face rejection, shame, and guilt.
  • The asexual partner may fear misunderstanding and judgment from others if they come out, while the sexual partner may feel trapped in a closet.

I Fell in Love with an Asexual Gives You These Tools

  • a fresh perspective and support
  • an understanding of what asexuality is and is not, and how to recognize if your partner is asexual
  • strategies for clarifying what you want
  • insight into your own sexuality
  • the ability to recognize internalized sexual guilt and shame dynamics
  • process for beginning to accept and forgive your partner–and yourself–so you can look to the future
  • an understanding of why traditional relationship boxes don’t always work, and options for thinking outside of them
  • new ways to expand physical intimacy and enhance connection
  • strategies for becoming a better sex partner and lover
  • tips on talking with your partner, coming out to others, enlisting support, and modifying your relationship if needed
  • guidance on ending the relationship as a last resort
  • knowledge of potential emotional and sexual baggage to avoid carrying into future relationships
  • ideas for meaningfully placing your struggles into a larger context
  • lists of additional resources

Whether you’re a frustrated partner or a relationship professional, the candid story, insights, tools, and suggestions will resonate with you.

Detailed Overview of Book Contents

Click on the headings below for an overview of each section.

Part One: Lay the Foundation
Part One shares a firsthand account of some of the challenges of a mixed-orientation relationship, illustrating that you are not alone in your struggles. It also provides a detailed explanation of what asexuality is and what it is not.

Having a handle on the basic concepts can help you in discussing things with your partner, making important decisions, and recruiting professional support if you choose. It may provide you with insight into your own sexuality.

Part Two: Look Within
Part Two guides you to clarify what you want out of your relationship, courageously explore some of your sex-related attitudes, and approach your situation with refreshed perspective.

You’ll learn to recognize and understand common sexual guilt and shame dynamics. You’ll also learn how to begin the process of accepting and forgiving your partner–and yourself–so you can look to the future.

Part Three: Broaden Your Possibilities
Part Three recognizes that traditional relationship boxes don’t work for every situation. It presents new ways of approaching your dilemma and options for thinking outside the box.

You’ll learn new ways to expand your world of physical intimacy, approaches for enhancing connection beyond physical intimacy, and options for thinking beyond the binary relationship box.

Part Four: Improve Your Sexual Abilities
Part Four covers a broad range of topics and strategies for becoming a better partner in the bedroom. Many are tailored specifically to partners of potential asexuals. Focus on what you have the ability to change, whether you remain in your current relationship or ultimately transition into another.

You’ll learn more about enhancing communication and negotiation skills, how to be fully present and aware, options for managing porn and masturbation, ways to enlist creativity and variety, tips for managing common fears and insecurities about the body, the importance of making time for sex, and much more.

Part Five: Connect, Integrate, & Look Ahead
Part Five provides guidance on talking more with your partner, coming out to others, enlisting additional support, and amicably ending the relationship if necessary.

You’ll learn about potential baggage to avoid carrying into future relationships. You’ll gain ideas for meaningfully placing your struggles into a larger context. You’ll learn about the “sexual control matrix” and how to begin loosening its grip.

Part Six: End Matter
The End Matter includes a broad range of additional resources for extending your exploration. Topics include Tantric and Taoist approaches to sex, increasing touch and other connection, ethical non-monogamy, finding professional support, and general sexuality and relationship self-help texts.

Book FAQs

While the revised second addition addresses many prior questions, I’ve left up the FAQs page created for the first edition.