I Fell in Love with an Asexual

Asexuality, the “invisible orientation,” is largely unknown and misunderstood. Around 1% of people may be asexual. They generally do not experience sexual attraction. Most do not desire sex.

Also in the shadows are many sexually motivated partners of asexuals in sexless marriages. Both partners may be unaware of their differences at first.

For both people to be happy, something needs to shift.

I Fell in Love with an Asexual is unique among asexuality books. It is a self-help memoir from the sexual partner’s perspective.

Evan Ocean’s life partner makes a startling revelation: They have never felt physically attracted to Evan—or to anyone else, ever. Blending elements of Evan’s story with his own, Dave Wheitner shares perspective and expertise from training and firsthand experience.

This comprehensive and candid guide cites 120+ sources, including works by asexual authors. It synthesizes and organizes key concepts and insights.

“The first book to explore the dilemmas of sexually motivated partners who have asexual partners. This part memoir, part self-help book skillfully offers the reader opportunities for self-reflection by asking hard questions in a remarkably supportive manner.

Wheitner thoroughly details the myriad options involved in staying in or leaving the relationship. For those who open the relationship to other partners or those who leave the relationship, he offers heartfelt support in the process of reintegrating one’s sexuality. The integration of his own experiences makes the book especially salient and gives others lots of permission to be human!”

– Karla Baur, MSW, sex therapist and co-author of Our Sexuality, the best-selling college textbook

“Outstanding! Elegantly weaves personal exploration with concrete education and scientific data on asexuality. I wish I had this book as a resource to offer several former sexual-asexual couples I have seen in my practice.

While written with the sexual partner in mind, it is a valuable book for asexuals who desire romantic attraction as well, as they are most likely to find themselves in partnerships with sexual individuals. This book has provided some concrete recommendations for future clients.”

– Lori A. Brotto, PhD, R Psych, Professor, Division Head, Gynaecologic Specialties, Department of Obstetrics & Gynaecology, University of British Columbia, Director, UBC Sexual Health Laboratory

“This authoritative exploration of mismatched sexuality . . . offers creative self-help guides for anyone engaged in mixed-orientation intimacy.

Above all, it assures readers that they are not alone in their hidden journey.”

– Carol Grever, author, When Your Spouse Comes Out, and My Husband Is Gay

• Understanding and acceptance of asexuality is still limited. Finding support can be difficult.
• Some common sex therapy approaches may simply frustrate asexual-sexual couples.
• It can take time and effort to rule out other possibilities, often confused with asexuality.
• Fully accepting a partner’s asexuality can take time.

• The language of asexuality is evolving, which can create confusion.
• Both partners may face rejection, shame, and guilt.
• The asexual partner may fear misunderstanding and judgment from others if they come out, while the sexual partner may feel trapped in a closet.

• a fresh perspective and support
• an understanding of what asexuality is and is not, and how to recognize if your partner is asexual
• strategies for clarifying what you want
• insight into your own sexuality
• the ability to recognize internalized sexual guilt and shame dynamics
• a process for beginning to accept and forgive your partner–and yourself–so you can look to the future
• an understanding of why traditional relationship boxes don’t always work, and options for thinking outside of them
• new ways to expand physical intimacy and enhance connection

• strategies for becoming a better sex partner and lover
• tips on talking with your partner, coming out to others, enlisting support, and modifying your relationship if needed
• guidance on ending the relationship as a last resort
• knowledge of potential emotional and sexual baggage to avoid carrying into future relationships
• ideas for meaningfully placing your struggles into a larger context
• lists of additional resources

Whether you’re a frustrated partner or a relationship professional, the candid story, insights, tools, and suggestions will resonate with you.