Resources for Partners of Asexuals

Below are resources for sexually motivated partners of individuals who are asexual, or who may be asexual.

I Fell in Love with an Asexual: Navigating Needs Without Blame includes a similar list. Key ideas from many of the works appear in the book’s text.

I Fell in Love with an Asexual cover 2nd edition

Click on the headings below to expand.

Articles on This site

These posts cover a range of topics that may be useful to asexual-sexual couples in sexless marriages or relationships. Nothing here is intended to be a substitute for the support of a qualified therapist.

Scheduling Sexy Time for Lovemaking in Your Calendar
Be sure to read the caveats in the section “Considerations for asexual-sexual and other ace-non-ace relationships.” The suggestions in this article are geared toward couples where both partners are at least willing to participate in sex, and neither is sex averse.

Create More Intimacy & Connection: Leverage Your Strengths
These suggestions aren’t intended to replace the connection provided by sex altogether, but they might be helpful if you have limited sexual connection, or are attempting to maintain your connection with your primary partner while having an open relationship.

When a Sexually Mismatched Relationship Won’t Work: Being Gentle with Yourself & Your Asexual Partner
Sometimes it’s difficult to make an asexual-sexual relationship work, even after giving it your best. If this occurs, you may be tempted to judge yourself and your partner. You may also face judgment from others. This article aims to provide support and perspective.

Sex in a Sustainable World Part 5: Non-Traditional Relationships & Preserving the Family
A lot of people still worry that non-traditional relationship structures threaten families. This article explains how the opposite is actually true: Greater acceptance of alternative arrangements can save many families.

Locating Professionals

American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors, and Therapists (AASECT), See “for the Public” links. Note that there may also be qualified professionals in your area who don’t have this specific certification, and that having this certification doesn’t necessarily mean they’re familiar with asexuality—it’s always best to ask.

Butina, Ben. How to Find a Good Therapist. CreateSpace, 2008. Print.

Understanding Asexuality

Ace Tumblr,

Asexual Outreach,

Asexuality Visibility and Education Network (AVEN),

Asexuality Archive,

Asexual Explorations,

Asexuality Archive. Asexuality: A Brief Introduction., 2012. Print.

Asexuality Facebook group (closed), 2204641049/

Asexuality Visibility and Education Network (AVEN) Facebook group (public),


Bogaert, Anthony. Understanding Asexuality. Lanham, MD: Rowman and Littlefield, 2012. Print.

Chen, Angela. Ace: What Asexuality Reveals About Desire, Society, and the Meaning of Sex. Boston: Beacon Press, 2020.

Coyote. “Am I Asexual?” The Ace Theist, 7 February 2014. Web. 26 July 2015.

Decker, Julie Sondra. The Invisible Orientation: An Introduction to Asexuality. New York: Carrel Books, 2014. Print.

Mak, Jaymee. “It’s Not You, It’s Not Me (Asexual Short Film).” Premiered March 9, 2020.

Tate Sprite. “Touch Made Simple.” What If This Is It, 12 January 2014. Web. 10 April 2015.

The Trevor Project: Asexual.

Coping with Change & Rebuilding Yourself

If you’ve recently ended a relationship with a long-term partner, or believe you will soon be doing so, these books may provide additional support.

Chödrön, Pema. When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times. Boston, MA: Shambhala Publications, 1997. Print.

Fisher, Bruce and Alberi, Robert. Rebuilding: When Your Relationship Ends. Atascadero, CA: Impact Publishers, 2006. Print.

Wheitner, Dave. The Snuggle Party Guidebook: Create Deeper Friendships, Decrease Loneliness, & Enjoy Nurturing Touch Community. Portland, OR: Divergent Drummer Publications, 2014. Print.

Increasing Connection, Touch, & Physical Pleasure

These resources cover a broad spectrum of connection. Some focus largely upon verbal interaction with minimal touch, some focus upon platonic touch, and some cover the range of touch including erotic and sexual.

Cuddle Party,

Cuddle Up to Me,

Czimbal, Bob and Zadikov, Maggie. A Guide to Healthy Touch: Vitamin T. Portland, OR: The Abundance Company, 1991. Print.

Grader, Rob. The Cuddle Sutra: An Unabashed Celebration of the Ultimate Intimacy. Sourcebook Casablanca, 2007. Print.

Hess, Samantha. Touch: The Power of Human Connection. Fulcrum Solutions, LLC, 2014. Print.

Human Awareness Institute (HAI Global),

Martin, Betty. The Art of Receiving and Giving: The Wheel of Consent. Luminare Press, 2021. Print.

Network for a New Culture,

OneTaste (Orgasmic Meditation),

Oregon Touch, (One example of a Meetup-based snuggle group.)

Resnick, Stella. The Pleasure Zone: Why We Resist Good Feelings and How to Let Go and Be Happy. Berkeley, CA: Conari Press, 1997. Print.

Sex-Positive World,

Snuggle Central Facebook group, 161897667302168/


Snuggle Party,

Tribal Love Network,

Wheitner, Dave. The Snuggle Party Guidebook: Create Deeper Friendships, Decrease Loneliness, & Enjoy Nurturing Touch Community. Portland, OR: Divergent Drummer Publications, 2014. Print.

Tantric & Taoist Approaches to Sex

Chia, Mantak, Maneewan Chia, Douglas Abrams, and Rachel Carlton Abrams. The Multi-Orgasmic Couple: Sexual Secrets Every Couple Should Know. New York: HarperCollins, 2000. Print.

Odier, Daniel. Desire: The Tantric Path to Awakening. Rochester, VT: Inner Traditions, 2001. Print.

Yeshe, Lama Thubten. Introduction to Tantra: The Transformation of Desire. Boston, MA: Wisdom Publications, 2005. Print.

Alternatives to Monogamous Relationships

Some asexual-sexual couples explore options involving open relationships and polyamory. These resources provide a few perspectives and guidelines for ethical non-monogamy.

Anapol, Deborah Taj. Polyamory in the 21st Century: Love and Intimacy with Multiple Partners. Plymouth, United Kingdom: Rowman and Littlefield Publishers, 2012. Print.

Block, Jenny. Open: Love, Sex, and Life in an Open Marriage. Berkeley, CA: Seal Press, 2009. Print.

Easton, Dossie and Janet Hardy. The Ethical Slut: A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships, and Other Adventures. Berkeley, CA: Celestial Arts, 2009. Print.

Labriola, Kathy. Love in Abundance: A Counselor’s Advice on Open Relationships. Eugene, OR: Greenery Press, 2010. Print.

Ryan, Christopher and Cacilda Jetha. Sex at Dawn: How We Mate, Why We Stray, and What It Means for Modern Relationships. New York: HarperCollins, 2011. Kindle file.

Taormino, Tristan. Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships. Berkeley, CA: Cleis Press, 2008. Print.

General Relationship & Sexuality Resources

A great number of relationship resources are out there. These are just a few that I’ve read or browsed, or that others have recommended. Some are intended to encourage exploration outside the norm.

Beattie, Melody. Codependent No More. New York: Harper and Row, 1987. Print.

Chapman, Gary. The 5 Love Languages. Chicago, IL: Northfield Publishing, 2010. Print.

Betty Dodson with Carlin Ross website,

Crooks, Robert and Karla Baur. Our Sexuality. Belmont, CA: Wadsworth, Cengage Learning, 2014. Print.

Désilets, Saida. Emergence of the Sensual Woman: Awakening Our Erotic Innocence. Kihei, HI: Jade Goddess Publishing, 2012. Print.

Friedman, Jaclyn and Jessica Valenti. Yes Means Yes! Visions of Female Sexual Power and a World Without Rape. Berkeley, CA: Seal Press, 2008. Print.

The Gender Unicorn.

The Genderbread Person.

Glickman, Charlie and Emirzian, Aislann. The Ultimate Guide to Prostate Pleasure: Erotic Exploration for Men and Their Partners. Berkeley, CA: Cleis Press, 2013. Print.

Hendricks, Gay and Hendricks, Kathlyn. Conscious Loving: The Journey to Co-Commitment. New York: Bantam Books, 2009. Kindle file.

Joannides, Paul. Guide to Getting it On! A Book About the Wonders of Sex. Oregon: Goofy Foot Press, 2012. Print.

Kerner, Ian. She Comes First: The Thinking Man’s Guide to Pleasuring a Woman. New York: HarperCollins, 2004. Print.

Klein, Marty. Sexual Intelligence: What We Really Want from Sex—and How to Get It. New York, NY: HarperCollins, 2012. Print.

Nagoski, Emily. Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science that Will Transform Your Sex Life. New York: Simon and Schuster, 2015.

Newman, Felice. The Whole Lesbian Sex Book: A Passionate Guide for All of Us. San Francisco: Cleis Press, 2004. Print.

Perel, Esther. Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence. New York: HarperCollins Publishers, 2006. Print.

Post, Stephen & Neimark, Jill. Why Good Things Happen to Good People: How to Live a Longer, Healthier, Happier Life by the Simple Act of Giving. New York: Broadway Books, 2007. Print.

Psaris, Jett and Lyons, Marlena. Undefended Love. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications, 2000. Kindle file.

Schnarch, David. Intimacy and Desire: Awaken the Passion in Your Relationship. New York: Beaufort Books, 2011. Print.

Steele, David. Conscious Dating: Finding the Love of Your Life and the Life That You Love. Campbell, CA: RCN Press, 2008. Print.

Taormino, Tristan. The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Women. Berkeley, CA: Cleis Press, 2006. Print.

Tatkin, Stan. Wired for Love: How Understanding Your Partner’s Brain and Attachment Style Can Help You Defuse Conflict and Build a Secure Relationship. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications, 2011. Kindle file.

Weiner-Davis, Michelle. The Sex-Starved Marriage: Boosting Your Marriage Libido. New York: Simon and Schuster, 2003. Print.

Partner Coming Out & Mixed-Orientation Marriages

Some of these resources are geared toward couples with two non-asexual partners, one who is heterosexual and one who is lesbian, gay, or bisexual. However, some of the same dynamics apply to asexual-sexual relationships. The discussion forums for partners and friends of asexuals on AVEN have a much more specific focus.

Buxton, Amity Pierce. The Other Side of the Closet: The Coming-Out Crisis for Straight Spouses. IBS Press, Inc., 1991. Print.

Gay Husbands, Straight Wives,

Grever, Carol and Bowman, Deborah. When Your Spouse Comes Out: A Straight Mate’s Recovery Manual. New York: Haworth Press, 2007. Print.

HUGS (Hope-Understanding-Growth-Support) Group for couples,

Kaye, Bonnie. Straight Wives, Shattered Lives: Stories of Women with Gay Husbands. British Columbia, Canada: CCB Publishing, 2011. Print.

Mak, Jaymee and Munich, Justine. “It’s Not You, It’s Not Me. Explained: How to Approach Sex with an Asexual Partner.” Premiered March 10, 2020.

MMOMW (Making Mixed Orientation Marriages Work) group,

OurPath, (formerly Straight Spouse Network, also on Facebook at

Straight Spouse Connection,

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Educational resources listed here, including those on this site, are no substitute for the services and support of a qualified mental health professional.