The Value of Being Shaken Up

Yesterday morning I bicycled to our post office, in the center of one of the safest neighborhoods in Pittsburgh. I got off my bike and crossed the sidewalk several feet ahead of eight to ten teenage boys. Suddenly, a small green object flew past the left side of my head and struck the sidewalk ahead of me. It appeared to be golfball-sized hard tree nut of some sort.

I momentarily decided to ignore it, guessing that one of the teens had acted out of mischievous impulse to impress his friends. They probably wouldn’t do it again.

I was wrong.

I then felt at least two hard objects hit me in the back, one after the other, causing a bit of a sting. Not exactly what I would call “playful.” My heart began to race. They had crossed a major line, and I had to put a quick stop to it.

As I quickly turned around, I noticed that there was a senior woman in her eighties or so standing between the boys and me, hunched over and slowly making her way along the sidewalk. I looked directly at the boy nearest me and scolded, “Whatever you’re throwing at me, you could have accidentally hit her with!”

I was hoping to get them to consider some of the additional implications of what they were doing, even if they clearly had little regard for my own well-being.

“I know,” the boy nearest me enunciated with emphasis.

The taunting grin on his face told me I was not about to have a productive interaction of any kind. I had already put him on the defensive in front of his pals by raising my voice.

Having had past first-hand encounters with much more elevated group violence (such as being caught in a race riot), my instincts told me it was probably best just to let them pass as I walked into the post office. So that I did, but endured one more stinging shot to the right side of the neck, right below my ear, after I turned my back to go inside. This was immediately followed by laughter.

I hastened my walk to get up the wheelchair ramp with my bicycle, given that they were now aiming directly at my face and head. I normally lock my bike just outside the post office, but was not about to make myself even more vulnerable by attempting that.

Three utility workers standing less than ten feet from the entrance quietly observed, not offering a word of support – it reminded me of classic case studies from social psychology.

I cleared my mind and dusted off my temporarily bruised ego. There were no serious physical injuries. More than anything, I wanted to do something to ensure that they never did that to anyone again.

Although I couldn’t identify which boys assaulted me, I called the police to alert them of the potential that the group might do this to someone else. I knew that police arriving on the scene might simply give the boys an exciting story to bond over, but at the very least I wanted to deter them from doing the same thing to someone else that day.

Alongside the unfeeling “I know” response from one of the boys, one of the most unsettling parts of the event was what I observed as I exited the post office. The boys were continuing to stroll down the sidewalk very slowly and leisurely, seemingly without a care in the world.

I would have expected the boys to at least pick up the pace a little, recognizing that assaulting someone in a busy public place might have some type of repercussion. But they clearly had no fear whatsoever.

I’ll never know many of the facts about the occurrence, such as why they suddenly targeted a complete stranger like myself. Perhaps it was because I was wearing a bike helmet and looked “funny” to them? Perhaps it was to establish dominance within their peer group?

I’ll never know for sure what my most effective response could have been. I’ve already discussed that with a few people, weighing personal safety concerns against a desire to plant some type of seed of change in the boys’ minds.

However, I did realize several things.

First, it really didn’t matter what characteristics made me appear “different” enough to be a desirable target for the boys. As long as differences continue to provoke aggressive responses in us, be it due to age, race, gender, religion, sexual orientation, political affiliation, eating preferences, or even wearing a bike helmet, we have a lot of work to do.

Those of us whose appearance, lifestyle, philosophies or other characteristics place us outside the norm in any way must be especially cognizant of this. I was simply wearing a bike helmet in a generally safe and relatively crowded neighborhood, during one of the safest times of day.

Secondly, we must never become too complacent in our surroundings. I’m in no way suggesting that we allow ourselves to become paralyzed by fear or “what ifs,” but we should also never allow ourselves to become too comfortable, too safe. And this applies not only to our neighborhoods and physical surroundings, but to our workplaces/jobs, our circles of relationships, and our level of personal development. A little discomfort often enables us to grow, and there are often positives amidst whatever our environments throw at us (hopefully not literally!).

Finally, I considered the value of life coaching/consulting on another level. I realize that teenagers are prone to mischief from time to time, although usually not at the level of assaulting complete strangers. Some of those kids probably don’t get any of the elements of coaching in their daily environments. This includes assistance in defining a life they want, guidance in creating strategies to get there, support in identifying and overcoming obstacles, and encouragement throughout the process.

So instead, they resort to behavior that will make them feel accepted by their peers. They don’t consider of the impact it may have upon their own life, let alone the lives of others. If they can’t envision a future that excites them, where’s the incentive to do otherwise? There are many theories of human development, but I believe this is at least one piece of it.

I won’t go into all my thoughts regarding how I could have used coaching in my encounter, because it would have been difficult with such a large group. It may well have put me in further physical danger. But for anyone who has kids or works with kids, experiencing coaching first-hand may be beneficial.

Many of the same structures and processes we learn to apply to ourselves in coaching can also be applied to children, having a “trickle down” effect. Graduate students to whom I’ve taught coaching skills have reported successfully applying their new skills both to themselves and to their families.

Consider a time in your life when you were shaken up a bit, by something unexpected and unpleasant.

How was the experience helpful to you?

What new perspectives did you gain?

How can you purposely shake things up from time to time, in a way that’s safe, but that makes you uncomfortable enough to look at life differently?

Photo by Dave Wheitner.


Dave welcomes phone-based life, career, and transition coaching clients from around the world.

2 thoughts on “The Value of Being Shaken Up”

  1. I am so glad to hear you are OK. I always find these situations such a struggle and I spend a lot of time thinking about the state of our society, culture and future whenever I encounter them directly or second-hand.

    I am intrigued with striking the balance of freedom of the individual and responsibility to the group every society must develop. I always come back to Thomas Jefferson, who said something like “The right to extend my fist ends where your nose begins.”

    I have a crusading personality and feel it necessary to fight the “windmills” of our times. My mom says I am going to pay dearly at some point for chiding people for littering. I think what makes me most sad is that we have to face such possible consequences.

    Perhaps that is a common route those kids take and perhaps there’s another opportunity awaiting you.

  2. Donna,
    Thanks for you kind thoughts, and I’m always inspired to hear from people who have the courage to go up against the “windmills,” perhaps encouraging them to spin in a more productive direction. The risk we’re each willing to take seems to be a balance we need to clarify on our own, to ensure we can avoid burnout and remain optimistic. The fist/nose analogy certainly applies to a great number of environmental and social issues.
    Dave

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