I Fell in Love with an Asexual

Are you in a sexless marriage or relationship with a partner who may be asexual? This book is for you.

It’s challenging for both partners, especially when you love each other very much.

Drawing upon firsthand experience and psychology training, I’ve written you the self-help book I wish had been there for me.

“A trail-blazing, comprehensive book that will speak to anyone who wants credible insight into asexuality in all its facets.”

Ian Kerner, PhD, LMFT, sex therapist and NY Times best-selling author of She Comes First

BHBA book awards winner medal

Winner, Sexuality, 6th Annual Beverly Hills Book Awards

Millions worldwide may be asexual. Yet, asexuality remains the “invisible orientation,” largely unknown and misunderstood, even by therapists.

Deeper in the shadows are many sexual partners, frustrated and confused. I Fell in Love with an Asexual brings them into the light.

This self-help memoir, from the sexual partner’s perspective, is a first.

Evan Ocean’s life partner of many years makes a startling revelation: She has never felt physically attracted to him—or to anyone else, ever.

Evan is soon torn between two worlds. One includes people he loves deeply but requires him to shut down important parts of himself. The other includes great uncertainty but offers uncommon opportunities to explore physical and emotional intimacy.

Blending elements of Evan’s intimate story with his own, Dave Wheitner shares expertise and perspective from many sources: counseling and psychology degrees, sexuality and intimacy training, life coaching, and firsthand experiences similar to Evan’s.

Lori Brotto
“Outstanding! Elegantly weaves personal exploration with concrete education and scientific data on asexuality. I wish I had this book as a resource to offer several former sexual-asexual couples I have seen in my practice.

While written with the sexual partner in mind, it is a valuable book for asexuals who desire romantic attraction as well, as they are most likely to find themselves in partnerships with sexual individuals. This book has provided some concrete recommendations for future clients.”

– Lori A. Brotto, PhD, R Psych, Professor, Division Head, Gynaecologic Specialties, Department of Obstetrics & Gynaecology, University of British Columbia, Director, UBC Sexual Health Laboratory

I Fell in Love with an Asexual Gives You These Tools

  • a fresh perspective and support during a challenging time
  • an understanding of what asexuality is and is not, and how to recognize if your partner is asexual
  • strategies for clarifying what you want out of your relationship
  • additional insight into your own sexuality
  • the ability to recognize sexual guilt and shame dynamics that may be affecting you
  • process for beginning to accept and forgive your partner–and yourself–so that you can look to the future
  • an understanding of why traditional relationship boxes don’t always work, and options for thinking beyond the binary relationship box
  • new ways to expand your world of physical intimacy and enhance connection
  • strategies for becoming a better sex partner and lover
  • guidance on talking with your partner, coming out to others, enlisting additional support, and modifying or ending the relationship if necessary
  • knowledge of potential emotional and sexual baggage to avoid carrying into future relationships
  • ideas for meaningfully placing your struggles into a larger context
  • lists of additional resources

Whether you’re a frustrated partner or a relationship professional, the candid story, insights, tools, and suggestions will resonate with you.

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More Praise from Experts

Carol Grever

“This authoritative exploration of mismatched sexuality…is a unique addition to the literature on sexuality, addressing a range of human variation usually ignored or misunderstood. Its broad overview offers creative self-help guides for anyone engaged in mixed-orientation intimacy.

Above all, it assures readers that they are not alone in their hidden journey.”

– Carol Grever, author, When Your Spouse Comes Out, and My Husband Is Gay

Karla Baur

“The first book to explore the dilemmas of sexually motivated partners who have asexual partners . . . skillfully offers the reader opportunities for self-reflection by asking hard questions in a remarkably supportive manner . . . thoroughly details the myriad options involved in staying in or leaving the relationship . . . offers heartfelt support in the process of reintegrating one’s sexuality.

The integration of [personal] experiences makes the book especially salient and gives others lots of permission to be human!”

– Karla Baur, MSW, sex therapist and co-author of Our Sexuality, the best-selling college textbook

Mixed-Orientation Marriages & Relationships Have Challenges

I Fell in Love with an Asexual addresses these challenges:

  • Understanding and acceptance of asexuality is still limited. Finding support can be difficult.
  • Some common sex therapy approaches that work with many couples may simply frustrate asexual-sexual couples.
  • It can take time and effort to rule out other possibilities, some of which are often confused with asexuality.
  • We usually assume that everyone must be attracted to someone. Fully accepting a partner’s asexuality can take a while.
  • Much of the language of asexuality is still evolving, which can create confusion.
  • Both partners may face shame and guilt around what they want.
  • The asexual partner may fear misunderstanding and judgment from others if they come out: Were they traumatized or abused and “made” asexual? Do they just need to find the right person or have good sex?
  • The sexual partner may feel trapped in a closet if the asexual partner is not out.
  • Both partners may carry rejection, shame, and guilt into future relationships.

Detailed Overview of Book Contents

Part One: Lay the Foundation

Part Two: Look Within

Part Three: Broaden Your Possibilities

Part Four: Improve Your Sexual Abilities

Part Five: Connect, Integrate, & Look Ahead

Part Six: End Matter

Book FAQs

Following online dialogue and feedback based largely upon the title and cover, I’ve created an FAQs page for the book.

You’re not alone.


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